So last night we had Chinese food for dinner...the meal came with several fortune cookies. I'm not a superstitious person, but I do have a little ritual with fortune cookies I developed while working in a Chinese restaurant in high school and college. MY fortune said, "Don't look forever, happiness is right next to you." Weird huh? I spent the day before writing about the elusive qualities of happiness, and then have a fortune cookie telling me happiness was right next to me. So, WHAT was right next to me? My tea and my honey. Seriously.

words

Happiness, so elusive- like a slippery fish,
I want to cherish the word and curse it at the same time.
 Find it and contain it, or banish it from the universe.
 Make it "the deplorable word",
 Or seat it somewhere close to the throne of God.

 I find so little I enjoy anymore.
Ice cream is fattening. Chocolate is too.
Sex is either taboo or a task... In one I revel the other I dread.
And then feel guilty for both.

I am chained. To marriage, to being thick, to still being desired by men.
Men who have paused long enough to see past the flesh and see my heart.
Who find I am genuine, sensitive, erotic, funny, smart.
My failure to be perfect hasn't been a failure at all.
 But it hasn't made me happy either.

 Here, at long last, as I write-
 I feel the grit and sweat and pain of life wash away.
The words pour out like water from a fountain,
Clean, pure, sweet, refreshing... almost happiness.

 I realize I've almost lost myself in the madness of my own life.
or better yet- I realize I can save myself with words-
Words, words, words.

Rudolph and Clarice are in heaven

wow-

They say it's over... :(

The back story~

39 years...
Wrapped up and tossed.
Thousands of moments-
Crumpled and lost.

Too many incidents-
Too much to forget,
Simply kill the Union,
Get past the regret.

He can live his life,
And she can live alone.
The kids are all grown ups
With homes of thier own.

And yet- there's the sting-
No more "Mom and Dad".
No longer a Unit...
And it just makes me sad.

Because I wanted to believe-
And I wanted them to make it,
But indeed there comes a time-
When 2 can no longer fake it.

A disolution of marriage,
Freedom from ties-
So many years vested~
Kiss them goodbye...

Monday, Aug 20th

"It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death".

Thomas Mann

10 hard things to say-

A friend did this on their blog and I wanted to do the same-

1) Write down 10 hard things you wish you could, or should, or would say.
2) Don't reveal who you are writing about~
****

1) I am going to miss you with every fiber of my being when the end comes. Dead or alive, I will always love you- and I will ever miss you.

2) I wish there was as much between us as everyone thinks there is.

3) Why do you let everyone in the world walk all over you? Say NO! Say FUCK NO!!! Let me say it for you!!!

4) You are behaving badly and setting a terrible example for your kids. Stop it. They deserve more.

5) I never felt like I was special to you- and it's hurt me my whole life.

6) Why didn't you love me enough to take care of yourself? Weren't any of us worth it? Weren't you worth it?

7) I don't want to hurt you, any of you, but I wish I could run away about 50% of the time these days.

8) You are not worth the time it will take for me to come up with something ugly to say about you. Go home and put some freaking clothes on when you are out in public! Ughhhhh!

9) My heart appreciates your heart... I know when someone cares- I can feel it, and I value it. Thank you :)

That's enough~

A day at the beach- a metphor for life~

Sometimes the view before our eyes...




Does not prepare us for what is looming up behind-
-

The big dark cloud hung over us, but the sun peered around it's thick edges, stretching rays of light beyond the temporary borders of the storm.

I stood in the cloud's shadow and looked up- reassured by the light, yet chilled by the winds that blew stinging sand against my exposed skin.


As with many things in life, I waited it out. I hunkered down- put up the umbrella, called the kids in close to me, and we watched the giant dark clouds sail out over the ocean...we were safe.

No thunder rolled, no lightening flashed- just the threat of a storm...and an empty threat in the end.

I'm glad I didn't scramble for the car- or run in a panic over "what might be".


--
I'm glad we stayed, and played in the waves, and found courage to stick it out- even when things looked bad...

I know- I know...this is the way to live life.
With our eyes open, with courage, and a willingness to be patient and wait.

(all of the above photos were taken during a span of 2 hours, on the Atlantic coast- north of Wilimington)